Jordan Peterson: Why Do Nice Guys Nice Finish Last? (MUST WATCH)
It’s great to see Jordan Peterson back in action.
If you ask a horrid being what he craves, say, or she craves, they’ll tell you right away. They know. It’s like “This is what I miss and this is how I’m gonna get it.” But agreeable beings, peculiarly if they’re really delightful, are so agreeable, that they often don’t even know what they want. Cause they’re so acquainted to living for other parties, and to finding out what other one wants, and to trying to manufacture them comfy, and so forth, that is harder for them to find a sense of their own passions as they move through life.
And that’s not- Look, there’s situations where that’s advantageous, but it’s certainly not advantageous if you’re going to try to forge yourself a career. That time doesn’t work at all. And so, even if they are, on average men and women don’t- this- don’t- aren’t that much different in terms of their levels of agreeableness by the group, if you go out and you look at the extremes, they are very different. So all of the most delightful people are women, and all of “the worlds largest” disagreeable people are men.
And the thing is the extremes are often what subject, rather than what’s in the middle.
And so one of the ways that’s reflected in society, by the way, is there’s road more followers in prison and the best personality predictor of being imprissoned is to be low in agreeableness. It impels you callous. Now you may think “Well, what’s the opposite of sorrow and politeness? ” And the answer to that is, I think it’s best kind of conceptualized as a- as a trading game.
So let’s say that we’re going to play reiterated trading games.
And if you’re very agreeable, then you’re gonna bargain harder on my behalf, than you’re gonna bargain on your own behalf. Whereas if you’re disagreable, you’re gonna do the reverse. You’re gonna think “I’m in this trading game for me, and you’re gonna take care of your own interest.” Where an agreeable person is gonna say “No , no.
At best, this is- At worst there is a requirement to 50/50, but I’d like to help you every behavior I can.
” One of the things you have to be carefull of if you’re delightful, is not to be exploited. Because you’ll line up to be exploited. And I belief the above reasons for that is because you’re cabled to be exploited by newborns. And so, that time doesn’t work too well in the actual world. And one of the things, one of the things that happens very often in psychotherapy you know, people come to psychotherapy for numerou grounds, but one of them is they often come because they’re too agreeable.
And so what they get is so called’ Assertiveness Training ‘. Although it’s not exactly assertiveness that’s being learnt. What it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf.
And one of the things I tell agreeable people, peculiarly if they’re conscientious, is Say what you think, tell the truth about what you think. There’s gonna be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh.
And they probably are bad and harsh, but they’re too probably true-life. And you need to bring those up to the forefront and deliver the sense. And it’s not straight-forward at all because delightful beings do not like conflict. Not at all. They smooth the water.
You know when you can see, “youre seeing” why that is, in conformity with the requirements of a hypothesis that I’ve been putting forward. You don’t want conflict around infants. It’s too damn dangerous. You don’t want campaigns to break out. You don’t want anything to disturb the relative peace.
You know, and if you’re also more prone to being hurt, physically, and perhaps emotionally, you’re also maybe loath to engage in the kind of high intensity conflict, that would solve problems in the short term, because a lot of conflict- It takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term. And, you are well aware, if that can spirale up to where is dangerous, which it can if it gets uncontrolled, it may be safer in the short term to keep the water smooth, and to not dive into those situations where conflict rises. The trouble with that is it’s not a very good medium-to-long-term strategy, right?’ Cause there’s a great deal of experiences there are things you have to talk about.
Because they’re not gonna go away.
And the advantage to having a well-socialized horrid person is that they really don’t let much get into their practice. So if you can get a kid who’s disagreeable socialized, that person can be quite, quite a creature, you are well aware? Because they’re very- They’re very forward-moving in their nature and very difficult to stop. But if you don’t get them successfully domesticated, domesticate, roughly speaking, by the time they’re four, their parents reject them. And that’s a big problem because your job as a parent is to draw their own children socially advisable by the age of four.
You’ve gotta- You wanna burn that into your ability because people don’t know that. That’s your job.
And here’s, here’s why, it’s easy, if you think about it carefully. So imagine you’ve got a three-year-old child so sort of half way through that initial period of socialization. And you make that child out in public.
Ok, what do you want for “their childrens”? Who to be concerned about you? What do you want for “their childrens”? You want the child to be able to interact with other children and adults, so that the children are welcoming and smile and want to play with him or her and so the adults are happy to see the child and treat him or her properly. And if your child’s a horrendous little monster because you’re afraid of punishment them, or you don’t know how to do that properly, then what they’re gonna time?
They’re going to experience nothing but rejection from other children, and false smiles from other parents and adults.
And that’s so then you’re throwing the child out into a life where every single face that they view, is either hostile or lying. And that’s not something that’s going to be particularly conducive to the mental health or the well-being of your child. If your child can learn a couple of simple rules of behavior like “Don’t interrupt adults when they’re talking too much” and “Pay attention” and “Try not to affect the other boys over the principal with a truck any more than it’s absolutely necessary” then- and, you are well aware, and “Share” and “Play properly”.
Then, when they meet other girls, the kids are gonna try out a few little represent routines on them and that’s gonna go well and then they’re gonna go off and socialize each other for the rest of their lives.
Because that’s what happens. It’s that from four years old onwards. The primary socialization with children takes arrange among other children. And so if the children don’t get in on that early, they don’t move into that developmental spiral upwards, and they’re left with. And you can imagine how horrific that is, because a four-year-old would not play with another four-year-old who’s two.
But a five-year-old certainly will not play with a five-year-old who’s two, right?’ Cause the gap is just starting to get unbelievably sizable. And so the girls start out behind and then the peers leave them behind, and then those kids are alienated and outside the peer group for the rest of their life.
Those are the ones that grow up to be long-term anti-social, right. They’re already aggressive.
It doesn’t deep down. Now, what is happening in regular sons, roughly speaking? Imagine that aggressive two-year-old natures get educated, so their rank of aggressivenes goes down. And then they thump puberty and testosterone kickings in and blow! Heights of aggressivenes go back up.
And so that’s why males are offenders between the ages, roughly, of 16 and about 25. So, where reference is matches the creativity bow, by the way, it’s so cool. If you look at the spike of productivity among men 16 to 25, and it starts to go down. Criminality pairs that absolutely perfectly. That’s quite cool.
So and part of- So, the testosterone stages conjure the average of aggressivenes among humanities. It’s more preeminence than aggression, actually and testosterone is, by no means, all bad. And then starts to decrease about senility 25 or 26, which is generally when beings stop biding up late at night, stop drinking so much better, develop a full-time career, and take over loadings and responsibilities and opportunities that are associated with a long-term partner and family. And so- Well, so that’s the developed at what I would call greedy invasion. Because I also considered that the agreeableness deployment is probably something like predatory aggression versus maternal sympathy.
It’s something like that. So, if you look at other mammals, that are predators,’ justification we’re predators, as well as prey swine. If you look at other swine like permits, the male make has absolutely nothing to do with the raising of the infants.
In fact, the female accepts would keep the male the inferno away because he’s likely to kill the babes and maybe even to eat them. So there’s no maternality at all in solitary male mammalian predators.
It’s really useful to investigate the viewpoints of people who have opposing contemplates to yours. Because they’ll tell you things- Not only will they tell you things you don’t know, they’ll too tell you how to see the world in ways that you don’t see it. And they’ll also have abilities that you don’t have, that you could develop.
So, for example, if you’re an introverted person, it’s very useful to watch an extroverted person, because the extroverted being has ways of being in the social world-wide that aren’t natural to you, that you can use as- to improve your tool kit. And if you’re horrid, one of the best things to do with disagreeable parties, specifically if that’s alienating them from other people, for example, because it can, you are well aware?
People treat you like you’re a greedy, insolent, lad of a- maybe that’s because you are. It’s like- Ok, so what do you do about that? One of the most promising medications -let’s say for that-, is get the person to do something for someone else once a day, just as a practice, and learn how to do it. Maybe you can wake the circuit up, you are well aware? If you think that it’s lying dormant in you, which is probably right.
You know, I think we have a very wide range of inclinations within us. Some are switched on: genetic inclinations. Some are turned on. But I think that if you put yourself in the right situation or stroll yourself through the title activity, you can switch some of these other things on as well. But it takes wreak, and devotion and subject, too.
I would say generally speaking, if you want to adapt yourself properly to life, you should find a niche in the environment that corresponds with your temperament, right.
You shouldn’t work at cross-purposes to your nature, because it’s just too damn difficult. But having said and done, then you should work on developing the skills and viewpoints that are present in the room antonym to your identity. Because that’s where you’re profoundly underdeveloped. Now, well, I think you can lengthen out your temperamental capability across a wider range.
And to me that’s roughly equivalent as producing a richer implement package to each situation. You know, so if you’re hyper-extroverted, you should probably learn to shut up in parties now and then and listen only to see what’s going on, to see if you can manage it, you know? And if you’re introverted, well, then you should learn how to speak in public, and to learn how to go to gatherings without hiding in the corner and saying good-for-nothing to anyone, you know? And if you’re agreeable, then you need to learn how to be disagreeable, so people can’t push you around.
And if you’re horrid, you need to learn how to be agreeable, so you’re not an evil lad of a b- So, and the same thing works even in the scrupulous region It’s like if you’re too honest you need to learn to loosen and let go a little bit.
And if you’re unconscientious it’s time like get out the Google Calendar, man, and start scheduling your epoch, right? And vanquish yourself on the back of the front with a remain until you’re punished fairly so that you can actually stick to something for some length of period. And not living in absolute squalor, which is something that would characterize someone who’s very disorderly, for example,’ cause they just, they don’t notice. It doesn’t bother them, malady. It’s like- Maybe they can see it, but it doesn’t have any psychological valance.
So it doesn’t have any motivational significance.
Now, so, the other thing you might wanna think about too if you’re choosing a partner is try not to choose someone who’s too distant from you on the temperamental variables. Because you’re gonna have a hard time bridging the crack, you are well aware? It’s hard for an introverted party and an extroverted person to coexist. And it’s really hard for an orderly person and a disorderly person to coexist’ cause they will drive each other nuts.
“Why don’t you pick up? ” “Why are you so haunted by it? ” That’s the basic argument, you are well aware? So, it’s useful to know about your nature so that you can negotiate a space with your marriage, and the other way as well. And I don’t think you should try to find someone who’s exactly the same as you.
Because then you don’t have the benefits of the alternative position. But you gotta watch it, because you may stumbled irreconcilable differences of various sorts.
And I’ve seen that most particularly among duos who are high and low in openness, that’s a rough one. And also upper and lower in conscientiousness, that’s another rough one.’ Cause they just cannot see how the other person construes the world at all.